Schools Change Course to Get Federal Funding

Our Comment:

Dec 14, 1:51 PM:

First sentence should smoothly set up what the enticement is—what can there 'piece' be. Also identify the school year. And what's the program called? (see comment below about fifth and sixth graphs). Is transformation the most difficult path? (why is path plural here?)

Typo in second sentence—'it's'. And quote marks?

Third graph typo: 'there's', 'that's'

Fourth graph typo: 'high school's'

Third and fourth graphs set up a contradiction of 'no drama'—an entire teaching staff being fired  might pale by comparison to most of the 730 schools firing their principles, replacing much of the staff and reinventing entire approaches to learning.

Fifth and sixth graphs: This info should go much higher—merge with/follow opening graph. Test scores—what kind? (federal, state?)

Sixth graph should number the approaches since the next (seventh) graph talks about the 'fourth' approach. And if 71% chose this approach, how does this sentence bear out the third graph.

While it is critical to have frequent divisions when writing for the web, this article goes to far by making every sentence a graph. There's no meat to this piece.

The kicker needs to elucidate the collaboration.

 

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